A Paradox: Reading People

I would like to start this entry off with a little bit of positive energy. I don't know about you but right now I am sitting in front of a window and it is a beautiful day outside. So no matter what the weather I recommend that before reading this take a moment to go outside or look outside and realize how small and insignificant any problems you have are compared to the enormity of the world surrounding you. That being done, what a perfect day to blow your mind with this everyday paradox we all face whenever we communicate. Honestly, I want you to think about this for a little while after reading it and then just stop. Because, while it is very important stuff, it isn't worth spending too much time thinking about because it might drive you crazy. Use this knowledge where it can help you in life but don't obsess on it. This is a very good way to start to understand how to read people.

If you read December 22nd's post, It All Stems From You, you will get an idea of how important your reality is to your life and what you perceive. This is true of everyone around you as well. When other people speak they are speaking from the context of their own world. Since that it the case people can only speak about what they know and what they speak about is a glimpse for others into their world.

How often have you heard someone talk about someone else? Good or bad it is quite common. For someone to talk about certain traits or observations of others they need to have some level of intimacy with those traits or observations. What I am saying is that often people speak about what they see of themselves in others when they are talking about others. I am not sure this is a rule people always follow but it might be. It is very hard for me to step outside myself far enough to make that determination. But think about it, people who talk negatively about others are typically very negative people. A liar will notice liars, A thief will suspect everyone of being a thief, and if someone is talking ill about someone else to you chances are they are talking ill of you as well and really don't have a very high opinion of themselves.

On the flip side there are very positive people out there in which the same holds true. People who talk highly of others typically hold themselves in high regard. People who trust others typically can be trusted and those who give people the benefit of the doubt in difficult situations are those that have trouble believing in the alternative because it is not a regular part of their world. They are simply not like that and find it hard to understand how people can be. This is a testament to their own character.

I have a manager that I have never heard talk badly of anyone else. He has never criticized anyone for their mistakes or deficiencies to me. I know that I make mistakes but regardless of them he has never given me a bad review and has never not trusted me to participate in the most important parts of our company's business. It is this trust and confidence in me and others that identifies the trust and confidence that this man has in himself. Look for these people in your life and keep them near because people tend to rub off on each other. On the same note stay away from those that you recognize as having negative traits.

So, why is this a paradox. The paradox comes when we try to read people. That is, we try to identify what makes that other person different from ourselves. If I only have the ability to see what I know of myself in others how can I ever really see who they are. If I am a negative person then I will typically only see in others what is negative. Where it becomes really confusing is when you try to get someone to see your point of view on a subject. Obviously it is best to put your argument in the context of their world, or rather what you believe to be their world. The problem is that since your perception of their world is really only the parts of your world you see in their world it is very difficult to accomplish this.

How does one break out of the paradox? How do I gain the ability to truly communicate with others? How do I learn to be positive? How do we break out of these roles?

I believe that there is an unconscious communication that occurs between people. The "rubbing off" I described earlier. I am not sure how it happens but the more I surround myself with negative people the more negative I become. Luckily the more I am with positive people the more positive I become. I don't know how it happens, perhaps because as I said earlier, I may not be able to step outside myself far enough to see it. I just know that while someone of strong character may be able to tolerate better the unwanted influence of others, they still will be changed over time by the environment they surround themselves with. Once your environment changes you enough or you change your environment (others) enough you will be able to communicate on the same level with your environment. For some this can happen in a minute and others it may take forever to fully happen. What is important to realize is how important a factor your environment can be on you and your relationships with others. Pay attention to this and make it your number one priority to control this environment to your liking. It is the only way to break out of the paradox.

-M@